Just Dissolve.

I'm at this point in my life where I am quite despondent and numb at how things have progressed for me thus far. I am a 33 year old grown woman with nothing to show for my years of being alive. All the hard work I've put into my art (within all creative mediums I work with) is sitting here, stagnant, not moving. I am not progressing. I am living in a basement with my step brother and a cat. I am in the dismal state of a single 30 something stuck in a dead end job. I'm like Erin Brokovich except not as forthright or exciting. I am unhappy.

The alienation I feel, from society in general, is quite prescient and it engorges my sense of well being and accomplishment. At times I really feel as if I was set up to fail. My childhood years in school were spent with disappointment and lack of encouragement and being ignored so brown-noser's can be on top. It's the exact same way for me now, in my current job. Absolutely nothing has changed.

I am grateful for my family most certainly but even they grate on my nerves to the point where I literally feel like I'm going to lose it. My sister is the only person in the world who cares at all about what I have to say or what I am thinking. No one else does, and it's not due to me quitting facebook and isolating myself. It has been this way for a long time.

And I choose these women... these women with their own giant bundle of issues and disorders and I think they're sad and beautiful and I want to help them but in the grand scheme of it all who is going to help me? Who is going to be there to listen to my bad stuff, my good stuff, or even my silly thoughts or boring plans? Not those women. Not anyone really and I feel like it's time to just get used to it. Accept this. Some people are alone their whole lives without anyone special to ever care for them. When I met Monique I honestly thought that she was the one who would always love me throughout anything, and listen to and care for me no matter what. That was a delusion. That woman can't take her head out of facebook for a minute even just to say hello to me, that's what I'm worth to her.

I have no friends. Cutting off the flagrancy that is facebook goes to show me just how flagrant and hollow people actually are. People will only actually care about you if you are within their own personal sphere otherwise, who the fuck cares. People don't take any time to step away from themselves for the sake of others, this is unheard of. This is how our technologically advanced society functions, it isolates, We are in bubbles, there's no turning back.

It's so easy for people and therapists to say "look on the bright side, focus on the good things" it's easy for them to say.

I take time out to pay special attention to children and so they can feel special. I listen to people when they speak and I respond to them and I always offer as much positive and good advice as I can. I do special things for people such as: making art for them, writing small anecdotes or poetry for them, and giving out small gifts of appreciation. I don't do this for self gratification I do this because I genuinely care about others.

And then I live this private life as lonely as humanly possible, it's not fair.

I put every ounce of positivity that I can muster into this world, to the point where I deplete myself of it, and I don't expect something back for that but what kind of a sad, horrible place is this where a person goes out of their way to make others feel special and does not get anything even close to that in return?

As I get more and more older I realize how truly I dislike reality. I wish I could be a genuinely happy person but then I realize, there is no such thing. Everyone is as miserable as I am, some are just better at hiding it. These poor beautiful children their optimism for the world is for naught. The obstacles they face now will always be there, never ending. It makes me want to cry.

I know it sucks to sit here and wallow in this but what else do you do when you have no one else in the entire world to sit and release these feelings to. Don't wish for someone to come into your life who could be that sounding board because they don't actually care, no one does. and NO ONE wants to think depressing thoughts. The second you are sad people will just flat out leave you in a second, no one wants to be around that. You are not important you can just be dropped at the top of a hat. You are not special.

All this self help talk "you are a special and unique butterfly, spread your wings!" I think is just there to numb us into thinking we might be happy, like breathing holes. But we're in a laundry room folks.

I sit in silence in my room every night fantasizing about how great it would be to disappear. Just evaporate. I wish I never took the high road and ended up a total drug addict whore junkie because then at least I would have some momentary release.

I have no release. I have no feelings. I have no friends. I am nothing.

I give up.