INSURRECKTION

It's so hilarious how each morning I wake up and wish I absolutely was not awake, ever. No matter how fucked up my dreams are I still prefer them to waking life. I had a very intense nightmare last night. it woke me up several times at once point I had to FULLY wake myself up, put my chromebook on, and just make sure enough time would pass so I could go to sleep and not re-enter that dream. And for the life of me I cannot recall a god damn second of it. It's better off that way I suppose.

Nightmares have become a mainstay and I blame it on the excess amounts of melatonin I need to gobble down before the clock strikes 12, to ensure healthy sleep hygiene of course. It's all terrorists, fire and brimstone, and creepy death cults when ever I shut my eyes and I can't tell if it's a blessing or a curse. I've been watching all these shows about people who flat out disappear, like off the face of the earth. One minute Johnny Flyfishesalot is having dinner with his family, the next his boat turns up in the ravine with no Johnny in sight. Sometimes its an accident, sometimes it warrants a criminal investigation, other times it's suicide, but every so often its just... unresolved.

Sometimes people look at their lives and say "I am unhappy with this life, I am cutting off all ties
with everyone, including family, and I am taking the fuck off. Time to start a new life." I almost respect this Don Draper-esque way of thinking. Just go.

Escapism at its finest.

And so I kind of want to get on here and complain about how terrible things are, like usual, but things really aren't very bad. They're kicking me out of therapy because my insurance isn't covered. It's a very big blow. I feel very rejected by them and can't stomach the idea of going to groups anymore. They were the only place I had for support and they don't want me. It upsets me greatly and I feel like all that work I put in was for nothing. I feel like nothing, all the time.

Other than that I have been just going through the motions of life. Restless, numb, and in the midst of some sort of "flat effect". Things happen and I just don't care. I'm still silly and happy outwardly but on the inside its listless. Meh.

I realize more and more that I really just have nothing. I have no point.

When people on these disappearance shows became lost family and friends go crazy, multiple state wide searches manned, memorial vigils held. When I disappeared, in my own way, from facebook no one batted any eyelashes. I grew up thinking that I was a really special person with special talents and that my being different was a positive thing to be. I felt like my being alive mattered, and that I had a special purpose and shit. I am realizing that this isn't the case. Mabye the reason my mother never lifted her eyes from her book or Monique constantly talked down to me is because I really don't, and never have, deserved attention or respect. I am a nothing.

It's ok to be a nothing. You are a nothing too. We are all nothing.

My nihilism takes control of me.

And clearly even when things are "OK" they're still shit.

Fuck everything.