I started talking to Monique again and only a few days into it and I'm already regretting it.

It's almost as if just here mere presence in my world is so fucking negative that it just turns my optimism for life and my feeling of self security and blows it to hell and high water. And its like... is she subconsciously doing this with her own self hating, pathetically ineffectual way of being or is this purposeful to bring me down to her level, or both?

I love Monique and I've always loved her. I've always loved her to the point that when I think I've had enough of her negativity or the ignorance she displays with her behavior I always want her back in my life because I care. Also because I realize that... shes just plain not aware of proper behavior, and she can't self examine or examine her environment in an adult way because she's hasn't matured appropriately. Shes always been treated as a child, so she behaves like one. You tell a child sternfully "this is not appropriate behavior, you have to try to be attentive with others" and then they huff, cross their arms and storm off saying "you're toxic, I don't like you anymore, We can't be friends" and its like "woah". Try as I might to like... relate to her on a realistic scale, voice my concerns at her behavior and hope she responds respectfully... this never happens. This never happens to the point where I'm just like "fuck this" because nothing goes anywhere. Trying to carry on a conversation, or voice your concerns and feelings, in an adult way with this girl is virtually fucking impossible.

But I always come back, and why? She is the longest relationship I've ever had, that MEANS something to me. Once I take on the role of protector its a very hard thing to break because every ounce of my being is yearning to protect and take care of someone. I keep coming back to her and its unhealthy. Do I still have love feelings for her? I will always be in love with her and she knows this which is why what she did last night was like... mean and ultimately uncalled for.

We are chatting again, keeping things civil when she blatantly brings up how she started talking to her ex boyfriend and ended up fucking him. My response to her statement was causal but inside my head I'm thinking "Why the fuck is she telling me this? this is none of my business. I don't want to know about who she has dirty, one off sex with". I found it disrespectful. I am her ex, someone who cares about her deeply and will always be in love with her, why would she mention that to me? To make me feel uncomfortable? Jealous? Hurt? She achieved all of those things so I'm assuming she was out for the trifecta. I make like its no big deal and we move forward.

Later on in the evening she talks to me about her "friend" who treats her like absolute garbage. This friend calls her ugly and fat and makes fun of her ideas. This bothers me because I don't like when people I care about get hurt. Monique begins to go into more detail despite my saying "Its fine, I don't need to know anymore" several times. She begins to say that this is her ex who she was a puppy for for many years. A girl who used her and insulted her for a good part of her life and a girl she could never stop being in love with. She states that this girl was flirting with her big time, telling her that shes the only girl she ever loved, showing her slutty pictures and reeling her back in. Monique sends her scantily clad images to which the girl doesn't respond except to call her fat and ugly and tell her she met a new girl she's in love with, sorry (in the span of a week).

Monique goes on about this, I guess asking for my advice, on why shes so in love with this girl and why she always will be and she will do anything for her.

Remember this is a person who called me toxic and told me to fuck off when I asked her to be more attentive with me. THIS STUPID SLUT FUCK calls her UGLY AND FAT AND STUPID and shes like a fucking puppy on the floor for her.

Why the fuck would Monique ever tell me this absolute bullshit. just to make me cry? Just to hurt me that little bit more? Just to show me how much awfulness she will put up with from SCAGS but when I cry from her hurting my feelings with ignorance and insensitivity she can't deal with me anymore?

She deserves that girl. I hope that girl fucks with her and torments her until the fucking end of time. Monique doesn't deserve someone like me. Someone who genuinely cares, about everyone, and will be honest with you when she feels you have stepped over the line socially, or emotionally. She doesn't deserve someone to be real with her and treat her like a grown up and get called a jerk for it, only to pick up and try again. She doesn't deserve a friend who will sit there and read Catcher in the Rye with her chapter by chapter and sit there and explain every sentence to her because she has the a lower reading level then my 7 year old niece Julie. She doesn't fucking deserve any of it because shes right, she's an idiot.

She calls her self stupid all the time, proclaiming that shes not smart. I always say "no, you are smart!" because I've always believed it. I don't really believe it anymore. Monique has the emotional and intellectual ability of a five year old.

I get off Skype in tears after she goes into detail about that scag shes obsessed with. I wake up to her message "I'm sorry i hurt your feelings. We hurt each other" and I'm just appalled. WHAT THE HOLY FUCK DID I DO TO HER EXCEPT LISTEN TO HER BRAG ABOUT HOW MANY PEOPLE SHE LIKES, OR FUCKS, OR IS IN LOVE WITH. How in the holy fuck is "We both hurt each other" EVEN APPLICABLE?

It's not, at all.

She just threw that in there to detract the blame from herself, because god only knows shes perfect.

After writing this I'm realizing how laughable this all is.


I asked her last night how she could ever possibly still love someone who treats her so disrespectfully (in terms of her sex slag), she said she didnt know she just does. I am asking myself the same thing right now.

Monique is the worst thing that has ever happened to my life.

So many of Teh THANgzz

I think this may be one of the first posts where I don't have all negative shit to say.

Things have been going fairly well for me (knock on wood) at work, with my family, and socially also.

I decided to finally put aside my ego with Christine from work and work with her as a tier 2 agent instead of thinking she, and everyone else, is against me. I had several panic attacks at work last Wednesday after having sent Christine a nasty territorial piss of an email over something miniscule and stupid. I apologized to her and decided that if I want to be amazing in tier 2 I have to go and get it and work my ass off instead of complaining someone else is doing better. Things have been going really good ever since then.

Also at work I ended up making friends with my supervisor Maureen's daughter Lizzie who is 20 years old but despite that is amazingly cool. We were texting and we have practically everything in common from music to new agey stuff straight down to a fascination with true crime. We even both had traumatic health experiences and shes a self published children's book writer, like I'd like to be. Lizzie says that its perfect that we are making friends because all of her friends are older (closer to my age) and gay and her best friend is ftm. I'm not getting my hopes up but I'm really excited to be possibly making friends, gay friends even, in my area so YAY.

I'm not back on facebook, which I'm happy about, but I decided to dl AIM for shits and giggles and my cousin Tara AND Rev are on there. Rev has always been this bringer of others in my life and is so esoteric and amazingly absurd in her thought processes that her and I are like kindred spirits and always have been. Having Rev and Tara, along with Pam and Kim to chat and skype with has improved my mentality. Its super important to have some people to just... talk to and hang out with instead of going on your computer to silence and solitude.

I can keep and maintain online communication without facebook, fuck you facebook,

I have to mention that Monique sent me an email the other day asking me how I am. This whole situation is so bizarre to me. I can't even mention how many times her and I have had arguments which were sad and mean and terrible, took a step aside for a month  or so, came back to try to patch things up (either as friends or otherwise) and just end up in the same exact position as before.

What is the position you ask? The position is that I feel ignored, under-appreciated, and unfulfilled and mention it to her hoping for understanding but instead getting told I'm wrong. Fuck that. In hindsight I'm not sure why I went back so many times. I guess I had hoped she would change, or I would change, or something would change but it never did.

I told her in a reply email that I think it best we don't communicate.

My thing is that I don't even understand why she is trying to communicate with me. When I was around she did her best to make me feel intentionally ignored and un-cared for by getting on skype with me and preferring to do anything instead of actually listen to a word I say, then when I bring it up to her that I was hurt she told me I was wrong, and also toxic. If I'm so terrible and toxic then you shouldn't want anything to do with me.

She can't bother to be a considerate and attentive friend than I can't be bothered to have anything to do with her. A small iota of consideration and I would still be friends with her, but she couldn't muster it. I guess she thought she'd have me around forever, always coming back, No.

The sun doesn't rise and set with Monique. I'm not her mother, its not my job to hold her and comfort her and tell her how right she is when shes actually a selfish, immature BRAT in reality. Veruca Salt needs to grow the fuck up.

Not to be harsh. I love her to death but not enough to coddle and babysit her disillusioned ego. The saddest shit is she will never know... like... she will never realize how offbase her notions are 1and it makes me very very sad for her future. She will never find any woman to take on the role of Mom and Pop B, Yes sirring her to death and telling her shes perfect. It would be awesome if she did, but she won't, because thats not how the world works.

I'm not letting her in again because I know what will happen and its not worth it. She will never grow up, shes a toys r us kid. And I'm getting riled up in this post and I don't want that. Her negatory vibes are already leeching in.

Today is my Friday and I want to just enjoy this shit.

I'll post another time