De-personalization to the MAX!! Radical!

In this blog I seem to vacillate between wanting to keep shit positive and then absolutely letting myself be overcome by negative. I think this is because the only solace I've ever had in my whole life is to go to my room and sit and feel sorry for myself and cry. My entire childhood was me doing this. My early adulthood was me doing this. My actual adulthood is me doing this.

I understand this behavior hinders rather than helps, I dig it. But if this is my mentality since very early childhood clearly its something innate. Why are some people innate catastrophic thinkers or innate sad sack Charlie Browns?

I understand, from some time in therapy, that my biggest issue socially (and also emotionally) is taking things personally. I realize its really a very main core of my mental state. In this world some people are much more sensitive than others. They are deep, and very raw to the touch because they are so open, they have no shell. Disappointments can, at the drop of a dime, devastate these sensitive individuals. They need to be handled with care. Unfortunately a majority of people in this world are too wrapped up in their own shit to really be conscious of the feelings of other people and it sucks because everyone does it, either intentionally or unintentionally. So I am a sensitive person on the road to developing this protective shell.

I am working very hard on not taking things personally, which is an incredibly difficult task at hand especially since I take everything personally. The situation exists very seriously to me because, guess what, people can very very rude, un-thoughtful and sometimes really mean (whether its intentional, or unintentional. it is occurring). In my opinion its people who don't comprehend consideration in this way are that are the worst offenders of rude behavior. A person is being rude to you and making you feel less than in a specific, or overall way, and this offends you (as it would offend anyone). To confront this would be to say something like "Hey, I'm feeling very bad about what you are saying and it is making me feel upset". A considerate person would... check their shit and their internal thought process would go something like "Alright, my friend is upset. I don't know what I did but something I said without realizing it, may have been offensive." and either discuss it rationally from there, acknowledge their own behavior, or consider the other persons feelings and move forward, or politely give them space. "I didn't realize what I said would offend you, I see you are upset and I will try to be more mindful in the future,"

This is called rational thinking/communicating.

But when a person voices themselves in light of another individual's offensive behavior and the response is "Shut up, you're WRONG! Why are you always trying to fight me?" I guess that's the red light that you are dealing with someone who is incapable of consideration in this way and that is the moment when you stop becoming offended, stop confronting this behavior and becoming even more insulted and offended, and simply stop confusing things and realize that another person's rude behavior is not your problem. But that's the clincher isn't it? Depersonalizing those moments is incredibly hard to do.

I had two of these experiences earlier in the week and I successfully depersonalized both of them. Yay!

The first took place in the car with my mother. I mentioned how my step-brother Anthony can handle living with me because of all the years he lived with her. I jokingly state "He's been trained" as my mother and I can be incredibly similar. She starts babbling about it and says "Heh yeah! Little did he know how it would be with you, because you're so much worse than me." She said this in a serious way and I was in such complete shock that someone would nonchalantly say something so rude. I let her know I'm appalled at the aspect of her saying that and she begins to justify her statement by mentioning how crazy I am because of my being bi-polar, this coming from a hoarder with a litany of psychological disorders. This is an instance that would normally amount to me being incredibly offended and defensive and hurt to which she would respond with "Why are you always trying to start a fight?" But I didn't let it happen this time instead stating to her "I don't appreciate your rude statement, please refrain from saying something so uncalled for to me in the future, thank you" and I left it. She rambled a little bit more, I stayed silent until the moment passed and then we carried on like normal. I was really proud of myself.


The second instance came later that night when I had dinner at Jason and Kelly's. Jason was RIPE and insulted me so many times its insane. I'm really nice to him all the time. Sometimes I may come off a little preachy or cocky but its never with bad intentions, We are going through Netflix queues, I use baby Caroline's Netflix username when I surf to not mess up their queues, and Kelly says "lets see whats in your queue". Jason makes a snide comment scoffingly stating "HUH, yeah lets see this"... very derogatory. We go through the queue and every so often he picks his head up from his phone and insults one of my movie choices. I tell Kelly about this movie I just saw about a school shooter and stated the main actor looks a little bit like David Johanson from The New York Dolls. To this he loudly proclaims "HE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE DAVID JOHANSON!!". Quite literally, there was only one visible picture of this actor and he was covered in makeup so I state "Maybe not in that picture but I think he resembles him" his response was "YOU ARE WRONG!!! HE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE HIM!! I MET DAVID JOHANSON AND HE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THAT". I'm using caps because... he is really emphasizing this meanly and loudly when all I did was say one of the characters reminded me of another person. I end it by saying "Well that's you're opinion".

This story isn't even close to ending. Can you imagine I go to this house to visit my mother and sister and beloved nieces and I get this never ending barrage? They have fleas. Jason picks scabs. He is sitting there picking scabs and wiping the blood with a paper towel so there is this incredibly bloody paper town he just leaves sitting right on the coffee table (yes where his children eat). At first I was taken aback but then, realizing what it was, I was jokingly stated "hey is this your bloody scab rag on the table or is your Aunt Flow visiting from Red Bank?" and his automatic response was 'oh yeah? Well anythings better than me having to clean our your disgusting fucking puss filled knee infection, it was so fucking disgusting and awful." A few years back I had knee surgery and I had go back into surgery a second time. After that second surgery my leg developed an infection because of the very large and painful incisions they made into my leg. I was in the hospital for this infection for over a month and a half on antibiotics that made me sick to my stomach. He helped me during that time, gladly, because I was so sick and in so much pain and there was no way I could reach those wounds to maintain their cleanliness. What a god awfully terrible thing to say to a person that you were helping. My response was "I'm sorry I was hit by a car and terribly ill Jay, I'll try not to do it again!" and he scoffed at me.

So the evening is still continuing and we are still perusing Netflix. We come upon a Tom Cruise movie and Kelly states matter-of-factly that she doesn't like Tom Cruise as an actor and dislikes his movies, she was stating her opinion very politely. Jason says "Tom Cruise is great" and I add that I too enjoy his movies. I began to tell Kelly about this paper I wrote for shits and giggles which surmises that all of Tom Cruises movie choices mimic and seem to have subdued Scientology similarities. It was this crazy paper I wrote after watching all his movies very closely, and the subtext is actually very telling. So I say this to Kelly and she genuinely thought it was cool and asked to read the paper when Jason chimes in "That's fucking stupid. His movies are not about Scientology." I say "Well you haven't read the paper, the subtext is really interesting" and he replies "You are wrong! It's not about Scientology, that's stupid. Tom Cruise is great!". At this point I'm just like aghast, I did nothing to him except be near him and he's targeting in on me and there is literally no reason in the world why he should. I look at Kelly and shes crying. She is crying out of complete and utter embarrassment at his despicable behavior. I tell her like "You don't have to cry, this is just how he is with me. He is like this to me all the time and I'm working very hard and growing a second skin" In tears she just says "Kirsten, he's like this with everyone. It's not just you, it's everyone" and we discuss why he changed and why he is so disgruntled when he has a beautiful wife, two amazing daughters, a job, both of his parents are alive, he has enough side money to collect rare Star Wars figures. For the life of us, we don't understand why he's so incredibly angry.

But that's him, and that's not me.

My last post was filled with a lot of anger at people who do, say, and act rudely or ignorantly. In my heart of hearts I just don't think its fair that people can walk around being inconsiderate and rude and we are supposed to just turn the other cheek and pretend like they do nothing wrong. To me that really justifies the acceptance of that behavior, and it's behavior I don't feel is right. To ignore it and move forward is like saying to the person "you can be rude, its fine, just stay the way you are. You can go ahead and do and say whatever you wish with no consequence, that's acceptable" and YES it makes me angry because it's unacceptable, at least to me.

So here I am at that crossroads. So if a behavior is unacceptable to me I need to rid my life of it. If that is a familial impossibility then I need to just keep reminding myself that another person's rude behavior is not my problem. Its stressful and fucked up and guess what, it has nothing to do with me, and good because I want nothing to do with it.

I just have to keep telling myself this.

It's so hilarious how each morning I wake up and wish I absolutely was not awake, ever. No matter how fucked up my dreams are I still prefer them to waking life. I had a very intense nightmare last night. it woke me up several times at once point I had to FULLY wake myself up, put my chromebook on, and just make sure enough time would pass so I could go to sleep and not re-enter that dream. And for the life of me I cannot recall a god damn second of it. It's better off that way I suppose.

Nightmares have become a mainstay and I blame it on the excess amounts of melatonin I need to gobble down before the clock strikes 12, to ensure healthy sleep hygiene of course. It's all terrorists, fire and brimstone, and creepy death cults when ever I shut my eyes and I can't tell if it's a blessing or a curse. I've been watching all these shows about people who flat out disappear, like off the face of the earth. One minute Johnny Flyfishesalot is having dinner with his family, the next his boat turns up in the ravine with no Johnny in sight. Sometimes its an accident, sometimes it warrants a criminal investigation, other times it's suicide, but every so often its just... unresolved.

Sometimes people look at their lives and say "I am unhappy with this life, I am cutting off all ties
with everyone, including family, and I am taking the fuck off. Time to start a new life." I almost respect this Don Draper-esque way of thinking. Just go.

Escapism at its finest.

And so I kind of want to get on here and complain about how terrible things are, like usual, but things really aren't very bad. They're kicking me out of therapy because my insurance isn't covered. It's a very big blow. I feel very rejected by them and can't stomach the idea of going to groups anymore. They were the only place I had for support and they don't want me. It upsets me greatly and I feel like all that work I put in was for nothing. I feel like nothing, all the time.

Other than that I have been just going through the motions of life. Restless, numb, and in the midst of some sort of "flat effect". Things happen and I just don't care. I'm still silly and happy outwardly but on the inside its listless. Meh.

I realize more and more that I really just have nothing. I have no point.

When people on these disappearance shows became lost family and friends go crazy, multiple state wide searches manned, memorial vigils held. When I disappeared, in my own way, from facebook no one batted any eyelashes. I grew up thinking that I was a really special person with special talents and that my being different was a positive thing to be. I felt like my being alive mattered, and that I had a special purpose and shit. I am realizing that this isn't the case. Mabye the reason my mother never lifted her eyes from her book or Monique constantly talked down to me is because I really don't, and never have, deserved attention or respect. I am a nothing.

It's ok to be a nothing. You are a nothing too. We are all nothing.

My nihilism takes control of me.

And clearly even when things are "OK" they're still shit.

Fuck everything.

Just Dissolve.

I'm at this point in my life where I am quite despondent and numb at how things have progressed for me thus far. I am a 33 year old grown woman with nothing to show for my years of being alive. All the hard work I've put into my art (within all creative mediums I work with) is sitting here, stagnant, not moving. I am not progressing. I am living in a basement with my step brother and a cat. I am in the dismal state of a single 30 something stuck in a dead end job. I'm like Erin Brokovich except not as forthright or exciting. I am unhappy.

The alienation I feel, from society in general, is quite prescient and it engorges my sense of well being and accomplishment. At times I really feel as if I was set up to fail. My childhood years in school were spent with disappointment and lack of encouragement and being ignored so brown-noser's can be on top. It's the exact same way for me now, in my current job. Absolutely nothing has changed.

I am grateful for my family most certainly but even they grate on my nerves to the point where I literally feel like I'm going to lose it. My sister is the only person in the world who cares at all about what I have to say or what I am thinking. No one else does, and it's not due to me quitting facebook and isolating myself. It has been this way for a long time.

And I choose these women... these women with their own giant bundle of issues and disorders and I think they're sad and beautiful and I want to help them but in the grand scheme of it all who is going to help me? Who is going to be there to listen to my bad stuff, my good stuff, or even my silly thoughts or boring plans? Not those women. Not anyone really and I feel like it's time to just get used to it. Accept this. Some people are alone their whole lives without anyone special to ever care for them. When I met Monique I honestly thought that she was the one who would always love me throughout anything, and listen to and care for me no matter what. That was a delusion. That woman can't take her head out of facebook for a minute even just to say hello to me, that's what I'm worth to her.

I have no friends. Cutting off the flagrancy that is facebook goes to show me just how flagrant and hollow people actually are. People will only actually care about you if you are within their own personal sphere otherwise, who the fuck cares. People don't take any time to step away from themselves for the sake of others, this is unheard of. This is how our technologically advanced society functions, it isolates, We are in bubbles, there's no turning back.

It's so easy for people and therapists to say "look on the bright side, focus on the good things" it's easy for them to say.

I take time out to pay special attention to children and so they can feel special. I listen to people when they speak and I respond to them and I always offer as much positive and good advice as I can. I do special things for people such as: making art for them, writing small anecdotes or poetry for them, and giving out small gifts of appreciation. I don't do this for self gratification I do this because I genuinely care about others.

And then I live this private life as lonely as humanly possible, it's not fair.

I put every ounce of positivity that I can muster into this world, to the point where I deplete myself of it, and I don't expect something back for that but what kind of a sad, horrible place is this where a person goes out of their way to make others feel special and does not get anything even close to that in return?

As I get more and more older I realize how truly I dislike reality. I wish I could be a genuinely happy person but then I realize, there is no such thing. Everyone is as miserable as I am, some are just better at hiding it. These poor beautiful children their optimism for the world is for naught. The obstacles they face now will always be there, never ending. It makes me want to cry.

I know it sucks to sit here and wallow in this but what else do you do when you have no one else in the entire world to sit and release these feelings to. Don't wish for someone to come into your life who could be that sounding board because they don't actually care, no one does. and NO ONE wants to think depressing thoughts. The second you are sad people will just flat out leave you in a second, no one wants to be around that. You are not important you can just be dropped at the top of a hat. You are not special.

All this self help talk "you are a special and unique butterfly, spread your wings!" I think is just there to numb us into thinking we might be happy, like breathing holes. But we're in a laundry room folks.

I sit in silence in my room every night fantasizing about how great it would be to disappear. Just evaporate. I wish I never took the high road and ended up a total drug addict whore junkie because then at least I would have some momentary release.

I have no release. I have no feelings. I have no friends. I am nothing.

I give up.

As a child I would listen to everything my mother said, I would respond to her, I would ask questions, and I was clearly attentive. When it was my time to speak she would pick up a book and start reading, just pretending she was listening. When I distress-fully called her on it and said "You're not even listening!" She would say "Yes I am!!" and give me some half convoluted version of what I said, using bits and pieces of what might have penetrated through the softcover of whatever paperback mystery she was involved in.

This is how my mother is. To this day I cannot tell her any important stories, tell her about my thoughts and feelings in detail without her trailing off, Or watching TV, Or directly asking someone else a question while I'm in the middle of a sentence. This is how my mother is. My mother has un-diagnosed ADHD and does not take responsibility for it, Instead she makes other people feel like being wrong when she outright ignores them.

I love my mother dearly, she is my family, she is not going anywhere in my life,,, so I have to just live with this even though talking to her makes me hate myself and feel like nothing, I have to keep going, I have no other choice.

My brother in law is exactly the same way, and they both have the same exact habits.

I will go into detail about a dilemma I am, or have been, having. I mention a solution I concluded to, or even at times have already implemented successfully. Story is over.... 1 minute of silence,,, "you weren't even listening to that so it doesn't matter" them; " I WAS SO LISTENING!!!! And here is how you fix that problem of yours: just do this, that and this, There you go, see, I was listening... and I also solved your problem FOR you. Heh."... meanwhile they took all the words you said, in how you have already successfully implemented the actions YOU CAME UP WITH and passed them off like it was their idea.

Suave.

They come off feeling justified in what great listeners they are. They come off feeling like they gave you really good helpful advice and that you should be grateful to them for all they do. Your reply is just shockingly stating "You literally said exactly what I said, how can you take credit for it? And if you were listening to me in the first place wouldn't you know I already did that?" and its at this time that they say out loud: "You never said any of that." and think inwardly: "What a bitch! Well I don't have to pay attention to this person speaking bad about me anymore, I'm not gonna hear them out, I'm a great listener. If they keep going on about it I won't consider their feelings or take responsibility for my actions I'll just fight for how right and great I am until they are screaming or in tears (or both) but if they don't say anything I can leave this conversation knowing how right and good I am, and how they are mean and terrible people".

It's win win for them really.

My one question in regard to people like this would be: Who do they think they're fooling? I'm speaking very honestly because myself and other attentive intelligent people can see this shit truck five miles ahead without binoculars. Like... do they think they actually get away with it with other people? They don't. Mabye their friends aren't mentioning it to them but how long has it been, really, since those friends have made any efforts to hang out? Most probably quite some while.

I don't hang out with many people either but in the back of my head I realize it's because I have issues with my bi polar and a lot of it also has to do with moving 2 hours away from the home I've known my whole life and leaving my friends and family behind.

Yes I have issues with my bi polar. My emotional responses can be irregular. I obsess over subject matter, My moods do tend to fluctuate (sometimes very quickly). I recognize this. I full the fuck on admit it. Not only will I admit it but, and this is honest to god, I am evaluating myself for my behavior on a constant basis and trying very earnestly to not behave in a way that would: be a bad influence to children, hurt people (emotionally or otherwise), or be dishonest to myself or others.  I beat myself up over this in a constant way, constantly telling myself that I'm not good enough because I can't stop being affected and emotionally reacting to these situations and this is ON TOP of me thinking I am the worst person in the world because even my close family don't give a fuck about what I have to say.

People like my mother and Jason don't admit they have shortcomings and work on resolving them, but they WILL be the first ones to call you "BI POLAR!!!" when they are proving to themselves that they were paying attention to you the whole time when they were actually on tumblr or something. They don't care, they don't make steps to stop and LISTEN to someone tell the them the truth for once in their life. They don't have to do that, That's not their problem, its everyone else's issue to deal with. I find it incredibly selfish and cruel.

My mother and Jason... they are here to stay. They are my loved ones, I have to deal with that from them, and its so hard, but I'm trying (sometimes I feel like I'm failing) to address the situation appropriately so as to not cause conflict but I feel like it doesn't matter. If I say something I'm a bitch, if I'm quietly upset (instead of the happy go lucky clown like entity most people expect me to behave like) I'm still a bitch.

But suffice it to say I cannot handle ANY MORE of this type of behavior in my life, Mabye it makes me seem cold, fine, But I care about myself and I will not be friends with people who have these traits because that is not the type of caliber of friendship I am seeking. I am interested in mutuality.

Keeping someone in your life who has these behaviors is a form of masochism. I kept going back to try to be friends with my ex, hoping and praying it would be different because I love her, but it never was. How could it be? She has no bad behaviors, shes perfect all the time and I'm toxic for clearly and concisely requiring respect. It's like... how could you be friends with that? I want to be friends with someone who actually likes me, respects and trusts what I say, and isn't completely incapable of recognizing reality. I'm sure she's reading this and calling me a bitch this whole time and using this post as a way to somehow justify me as a bad person. I know already shes doing it and I don't fucking care anymore, its old and boring as fuck. I once and for all have given up, Its not worth it to have her in my life if I have to deal with this, I dislike her personality tremendously in this way.

And this post isn't even about her. This whole situation in general, the aspect of a persons ADHD effecting others, is something in general that I dislike. Like really, this behavior hurts my feelings and makes me disrespect people that I care about and its really sad. I certainly love my mother with all my heart, and Jason is one of the best friends I've had and it sucks because apart of me really hates them both for having this issue. I take offense to it. I personally don't find it fair that these people can live in this fantasy bubble that everything they do is great and they listen to everyone and they can ignore people and say what they want, steal their ideas, have selective memories, don't give you one ounce of credit for things you thought of and came up with or have achieved. They don't care how you feel about this just as long as their bubble is nice and protected and they build themselves up to be the awesomest people ever. They'll buy you a present to make up for it (and this is in reference to my mother, Jason, AND Monique. They'll just buy you off so they can keep their bubble inflated).

It's not fair in light of the fact that actual people on earth who aren't this way actually fucking care about how they come across to others, try hard to listen to what people have to say in an earnest way, and they don't point their finger at someone else like a 5 year old when they are cornered because they can actually back up what they are defending. People with these issues can't back anything up because they literally have nothing to go on, it's so sad to see it happening. Other people actually turn the TV off, or put their stupid fucking phones down in your presence, and say  "How have you been?" rather than "How have you been?" then as soon as you talk pick up a device and half listen. its so fucking terrible and disgusting.

I hate the fact that our job, as people without these tendencies, is to let that person be that way. Just let them get away with it, They're feelings are more important than yours, clearly. Just listen to them talk all the time, you can say things back if the subject involves them... otherwise when you talk just know you will be talking to yourself, because they do not care. Make sure to act up beat like yr having fun while yr being ignored, or they will call you names like jerk or bitch.

Clearly I have anger and resentment toward ADHD. The only person I have in my life who actually listens to me is my sister. She doesn't play on her phone and pretend to listen, she actually does, I appreciate her attention very much, and I don't think she knows that. And I'm crying right now because its so fucking sad to be so tearfully grateful that I have only one individual in my life who actually cares about what I have to say. What kind of world is this?

I grew up with this, I should be used to it by now. But I'm not, at 33 years old I am just plain out fucking angry about it. I am pissed. I have no fucking time for it. And I understand its an illness that people suffer from, I get that. I feel it. But if you have a mental illness, GO TO A FUCKING DOCTOR FOR IT AND STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE NOTHING. Once your behaviors are affecting others be a caring enough person to at least attempt to keep that shit in check. You see your hurting someone then take action and change yr behavior. But you wont, because you are lazy and weak and you have nothing else.

They say that people who are like this suffer from the worst self esteems. more than anyone else, and I don't disagree. Of course they do, and it sucks for them. In a way I do feel bad for them, like real pity, because they have no ability to take control of themselves. The bubble is all they got and they can't let it burst because then what would they have?

Either way I am glad I am writing this to just.. vent my anger on this subject. I'm glad I wrote this because now I have something solid and defined to talk about in therapy on Tuesday so when I am forced to be in situations with my mother and Jason I can handle their atrocious behavior in a better way.

Monique was the most significant relationship I have ever had in my life. I was so deeply in love with her that I would look at her pictures and cry at her beauty. And clearly I would fall for her, for someone like my mother, because what else do I know? We broke up because of my constant unhappiness in the relationship because of these behaviors. And all these start and stop friendships are me trying to reach our and her giving nothing back. I can't be friends with her, or anyone else, with these fucking issues.

I don't even care if I have no friends forever.

I don't want these behaviors in my presence when they don't have to be. This is a stand against being treated like I don't count my whole life.

It stops now.