I hate my job, no like.. really.

I really do hate it. At first I honestly liked where I work. They gave me extra responsibilities, I felt good and confident about myself.. and then along comes some bullies.

Client services and the co-lead of the account I was promoted in decided to call me out for every small thing I did making me so nervous on a daily basis that I was constantly making mistakes. These mistakes brought my ratings down and eventually I literally thought I would lose my mind. When people are down your back at all times saying "DON'T MESS UP. DON'T MESS UP" its very unnerving. They sit behind you and listen in, and you can feel them behind you. That makes you more nervous and ups yr chance at disappointing people.

I really dislike disappointing anyone.

I understand bosses tend to be pragmatic but that doesn't mean other people don't have feelings and insecurities.

My new supervisor now is one of my bullies, ain't that the way?

When they want to yell at an agent, they do it very passive aggressively. They will call "EVERYONE" out on home screen webpage. This happened to me. Yesterday I ate a bagel at my desk and at the very end of my shift I brought my phone out to make sure my ride was there. Sure enough this morning I see on the screen "No food at all at the desks and you are not permitted to use your cell phone without a supervisor's permission" MEANWHILE even if I did ask for a supervisor to per-miss my checking to see if my ride was on its way I would be asking an invisible supervisor because... after a certain point they all go home leaving the agents to close everything up and lock the doors.

The people tend to be very cutthroat. They pay badly. And as soon as I get a car I'm done. I will be finding a new place to work. This is one of my goals.

One of my goals was to take the drivers test, but I failed. I'm going back. I don't care how many times, I am getting my licences. Fuck the world.

The test is extremely hard. 50 questions and yr only allowed to get 10 wrong.

THIS WILL HAPPEN, and it has been put into writing. YES!

Who'z da black sheep, Where's da black sheep?

I have no hobbies, I have no interests, I have no soul at this moment in time. Stuck in a vile basement like some odd troll chained to the wall. The ghosts very happily dance about, reveling in my despair. Fuck you ghosts.

I have no real friends. None that I can call up and say "Hey, lets hang out!" at least. When I do suggest hanging out I get told the other person has no time for me or... I get led along and flat out stood up. My brother in law does this all the time.

OK so lets talk about my brother in law, while I'm on the subject, he's a nice guy when he wants to be but most of the time he is moody, rude, and disgruntled as shit. I wish I had a barrage of other friends to complain about but I don't. This isn't like some suburban fantasy where kids grow up together and keep their friends till they die. Even if that was my life, I'm not from here anyway.

Where might I hail from you ask? North Bergen, NJ a place I never felt right in. The black sheep of the town always gets taunted and prodded until they explode. The black sheep of the town knows what its like to have no friends. The black sheep of the town is the sacrifice so everyone else can be happy. A veritable Omelas. The silliest thing to think was that I would get older and find people like me and feel less alone. That never happened.

In fact it's worse now.

It really sucks when you are smart and think about cultural things and conceptualize your reality as a critical thinker when you are stuck in a world so far away from any of that. The latest action movie, "Oh you know Johnny? Johnny's my cousin, have  beer on me!", sports. recipes. dumb commercials, the latest items added to fast food menu's... this is what I have around me and I don't fit in. Even as a grown up I don't fit in. its sickening.

At this point I have made the conscious decision to isolate myself from all people, and from family as much as possible. I had kept my Ex along because she was the only person I had, I thought. I used to think she was interested in my brain and how it worked and wanted to be closer to that but... she doesn't care. She gives no fucks. We don't have sex keeping us together, we don't have mutual interests to fall back on. I am incredibly unhappy with how things are going and its obvious because... I'm constantly crying and beg/asking her why she cant give me what I need.

Maybe she can't give me what I need and I most certainly am not giving her what she needs. I am a stresser to her. I make her life worse, just like I make everyone's life worse.

So I'm isolating from the world I have to work, yes. I have to have minimal contact to my family, yes. but thats it. I'm a poison to people, especially Monique.I and  don't want to hurt her anymore.

Tomorrow I take my drivers permit test and I only read half the book FUCKCKCKCK.

Do you believe in Magic?

Here is my post about Magic the Gathering.  Here within lies the tale of my relationship to the illustrious game we know today as simply: Magic.

I'm not sure when I first encountered Magic the Gathering but it must have been around 1996. Every time I would walk into a record store or a comic book shop a display would be up. I was unsure of how to play or where to begin. My friend Irma ended up purchasing a Duel Deck type of box so I right away went over to play. She lost the directions and couldn't really tell me how to play so I just looked at the cards and thought they were so cool and wished I could know how to play.

As the years went by I always looked at the Magic section of comic shops sadly because I knew I had no one to play with. 7th, 8th, 9th grade went by... everyone I brought up the game to did not want to play it so I just forgot about it.

Let us fast forward 10+ years into the future. My cousin Adam, an avid Yugioh player, tried to get me into Yugioh with him. I said "Well let's play Magic. Since I don't know the game and you don't know the game maybe we can learn together and it can be fun?" His response was "No, lets play Yugioh" and so we did. No lie it took me close to 2 years to be able to understand the dynamics of play in a way I felt comfortable playing people other than my cousin. The game of Yugioh is unnecessarily complex requiring the edict of some Japanese lawyer to decipher it's complexities.

And it got boring for me after a while. I got a gift card to a local game shop as a gift and instead of buying Yugioh stuff I bought a Magic 2013 Deck Builder's Kit and along with it some green sleeves and a deck box with a really creepy guy's face on it. When I picked out the deck box the shop clerk of The Gamers Gambit in Saddlebrook, NJ said to me "Ah, the Diabolic Tutor". To me he really did look diabolic as fuck.

I was right away intrigued and smitten by these cards, I was ready to play. I ask Adam if he wanted to play and he says "No". I went to my brother in law and we started playing but when he knew how hard it would be he also said 'No". I asked my friend Andrew to play and he was not at all interested, The cards sat, collecting dust. At my job I asked every work friend I had "hey want to play magic with me" they all said no. I came to realize how a mass of people are when it comes to being asked to play Magic. For most people it's: "Uh, you're a fucking geek.. I'm not a geek like you, I will never play that because I am cool and most certainly not a geek who plays card games. But thanks for asking, YOU GEEK". Or its the ever famous: "Yeah... no. I have no idea what the game is about or what it entails but I am not interested because I genuinely don't care about things I don't already know about."

Eventually I was able to finagle my brother in law to play with me again. We had fun doing it, but were both such sore losers it wasn't always the greatest scenario. I had to always show him what cards to put in his deck, research his deck, I basically built his decks then when he would win he would GLOAT and lure it over my head. He would buy boosters to increase the chances of pulling cards I wanted just so he could put the point across that he is superior. Did he know what any of the cards did or what their value was? No, he just wanted to make me feel like shit.

But unfortunately I am back to my old spot, completely devoid of anyone to play magic with. I sent my internet girlfriend a deck I put my heart and soul into building because I wanted so much for her to be my Magic partner. I wanted her to love the game, I gave her the most powerful deck I could muster with amazing cards, 2 THOUGHTSEIZE!!!! But it collects dust somewhere in her closet. She's not interested. She said she would play with me but not because she wants to learn the game and play, but just out of pity for me.

So thus defines my struggles as the loneliest Magic the Gathering player on earth.

And before you say "Go to a game shop on Magic night, Put yourself out there!!" to that I say I don't drive and I live in a basement up a gigantic windy road of trees and I feel like a captive.

The End.

Creepy Introduction

I came up with the name INSURRECKTION because I figured it would make this blog sound like a Wu-Tang album and the idea of that intrigued me at the time. Will it actually convey, in words, the Wu's musical message of committing violence, being sad because loved ones died of violence, drug abuse, or ODB's endearing yet absolutely insane gibberish? One can only hope.

But in reality I really started writing this post today because I have no friends.

I'd like to have friends, don't get me wrong, but I've reached the point in my life where I just don't think people like me all that much. In my youth, my wonderful twenties (which were horrible), I never cared about making friends but somehow I always did. Friends would just happen upon me and it was not a big deal to me. I still holed up in my bedroom playing guitar, doing drugs, and hating myself.

I think I may have took that youthful friend gaining ability and ran it straight into the ground with years upon years upon years of anti-social behavior. Avoiding phone calls at all costs, even if it was someone I loved and wanted to talk to because... because I just couldn't. I had no gumption for it. I avoided get togethers like the plague... unless somehow they took place at my house where in I would sauce myself up rather quickly and thoroughly with Miller High Life until the people went away.

It seems so funny to me because for however many years I holed myself in a bedroom, avoiding life at all costs, I felt content to do so. I was making art. I was writing music. I was watching TV and finding it intriguing. I was studying subjects and getting smarter and smarter by the day. People were paying me in weed to write their college term papers. To me that was the life.

But fast forward to the here and now and I can't even tell you how absolutely bored I am of everything. TV is.. just... I cant compute TV any longer I just simply don't care. If I try to watch a movie on Netflix I end up going through 5 or 6 movies before I can settle on something because every movie is just ridiculous to me. Movies are boring as fuck. I'm sick and tired, and somewhat disgruntled, about being bombarded with the exact same plot lines and exact same screen play structures that have been brow beat into my skull since day one of my existence. Thats 33 years of the same bullshit, I'm done.

Music, movies, news, internet memes, fun anecdotes, people getting 2 facebook likes for creating a piece of art and then 150 facebook likes for getting a new job. Fuck you.

And I know I started off this post stating I have no friends and these paragraphs really are proving it but... I don't care. My time for friendship is done, I am now an old codger complaining about the society that surrounds me. So be it.

I am very seriously sick and tired of my place in America and the media machine society monster that permeates my skull daily. This is why I left facebook.

My life at this moment in time consists of working a customer service job where I am passive aggressively made to feel less than by co-workers and higher ups and then get told how terrible and horrible I am by people on the phone. "No ma'am I am not authorized to send you 6 coupons when your issue was just with the one can of tuna" Customer; "You Suck, FUCK YOU". Wow what a great career choice I've carved out for myself. I am confronted with the dregs of our nation every time I work and I work ALLL THEEEEE TTTIIIMME.

My private time is spend in the murky depths of a suburban basement and doing nothing but staring at and speaking with various screens. That's what it consists of.

I have no car. I'm taking my permit test next week...,,,,,,ehreheowfhalkejfakjfe,,,,,,

I'm about to post this... lets see how many new friends I get!!!!