I have no hobbies, I have no interests, I have no soul at this moment in time. Stuck in a vile basement like some odd troll chained to the wall. The ghosts very happily dance about, reveling in my despair. Fuck you ghosts.
I have no real friends. None that I can call up and say "Hey, lets hang out!" at least. When I do suggest hanging out I get told the other person has no time for me or... I get led along and flat out stood up. My brother in law does this all the time.
OK so lets talk about my brother in law, while I'm on the subject, he's a nice guy when he wants to be but most of the time he is moody, rude, and disgruntled as shit. I wish I had a barrage of other friends to complain about but I don't. This isn't like some suburban fantasy where kids grow up together and keep their friends till they die. Even if that was my life, I'm not from here anyway.
Where might I hail from you ask? North Bergen, NJ a place I never felt right in. The black sheep of the town always gets taunted and prodded until they explode. The black sheep of the town knows what its like to have no friends. The black sheep of the town is the sacrifice so everyone else can be happy. A veritable Omelas. The silliest thing to think was that I would get older and find people like me and feel less alone. That never happened.
In fact it's worse now.
It really sucks when you are smart and think about cultural things and conceptualize your reality as a critical thinker when you are stuck in a world so far away from any of that. The latest action movie, "Oh you know Johnny? Johnny's my cousin, have beer on me!", sports. recipes. dumb commercials, the latest items added to fast food menu's... this is what I have around me and I don't fit in. Even as a grown up I don't fit in. its sickening.
At this point I have made the conscious decision to isolate myself from all people, and from family as much as possible. I had kept my Ex along because she was the only person I had, I thought. I used to think she was interested in my brain and how it worked and wanted to be closer to that but... she doesn't care. She gives no fucks. We don't have sex keeping us together, we don't have mutual interests to fall back on. I am incredibly unhappy with how things are going and its obvious because... I'm constantly crying and beg/asking her why she cant give me what I need.
Maybe she can't give me what I need and I most certainly am not giving her what she needs. I am a stresser to her. I make her life worse, just like I make everyone's life worse.
So I'm isolating from the world I have to work, yes. I have to have minimal contact to my family, yes. but thats it. I'm a poison to people, especially Monique.I and don't want to hurt her anymore.
Tomorrow I take my drivers permit test and I only read half the book FUCKCKCKCK.
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